How to buy cars (for filthy rich peoples)

    Hi everybody!  I thought I would give you some useful tips on how to spend as much money as possible on vehicles, especially for you lottery winners out there.

1.  Buy new:  Buy the newest vehicle you can, making sure that you purchase every "upgrade" available.  Wipers that turn on when it rains?  Oh yeah!  Now you can save your self the strenuous task of flicking that switch when the first drops of water hits the window.
NEVER:  Buy a good quality used vehicle more then three years old, but less than 12.  By then, most of the "hit" in value has occurred, and you'll just end up saving money, which you will then be forced to spend on something useless, like food.  You will also pay less for insurance, and then what will happen to the children of your broker?  How will he pay for them to attend Harvard?  They might have to settle for Brown, and it's all your fault.

2.  Insure it against everything:  Giraffe attack?  It could happen!  Solar flares?  That could scorch the paint!  Always get glass coverage, and hail coverage.  Your $65,000 truck needs to be protected against all perils, and the payments will suck that dirty, dirty money from your overflowing bank account.
NEVER:  Insure only against liability.  That's for suckers.  Most places charge a pittance for liability only, and who would want that?  After all, we should be...

3.  Drive like an @$$hole:  Tickets are like showers of secret jealous adoration for your matchless driving ability.  You should feel honored to send your $$$ to the coffers of our benevolent benefactors, but make sure you don't ever change your driving habits, it makes you look weak, and you will be eaten by bears.
NEVER:  Drive defensively.  That $65k truck will basically flatten every vehicle in sight, while you nap in luxury in the driver's seat, texting your other rich friend's butlers.  Besides, more tickets, means higher insurance, and your broker can finally buy that swimming pool!

4.  Borrow to make your purchase:  Even the filthiest of the rich should be borrowing money they don't have.  You can always pay it back tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes!  You can't lose!
NEVER: Pay cash for a well researched used vehicle.  You might accidentally touch something a poor person touched, and then you will have to shave your fingerprints off.  Again.

Lastly..

5.  Do not fix your own vehicle:  Take it to the dealer!  He will always charge you the most, and keep your vehicle forever, which means you can just drive your butler's car.  Wear gloves though, you don't want to catch poverty from the steering wheel.
NEVER: Learn any basic mechanical skills, like oil changes and changing a tire.  Always pay someone to do those things, so you can establish your position amongst the ultra-weathly.  Lester McMonneyBaggs tried to do an oil change, and he got DIRT under his fingernails.  Imagine his face when he went for his weekly manicure!  That could be YOU!

*****So, this is intended to be a humorous how-to for people trying to save money on buying used cars.  My family and I have saved thousands by following the NEVER advice above.  Just today, unfortunately, my beloved farm truck died on the highway, and had to be towed back home.  The head gasket gave out, and coolant (mixed with oil) found it's way to the roadway.  After a short, but cold wait, we got towed back.  Since I need a truck for the farm, I get to buy another one!  I set myself a limit of $2000, and within a few hours I found a good used Chevy for $1700.  It's not a luxury vehicle, but I'm not a luxury kind of guy.  I don't mind a little rust, it is a farm truck after all.  Best of all?  The insurance is $380.  Per year.  The truck that just died lasted me about 6.5 years, and I paid about $4500 for it.
      I also plan to keep that old truck, and put a new head gasket on it.  It really needs more work than that, but I only want to get it back to running condition, then I will use it around the farm.  If the new truck goes kaput, then I will have a back up!
Remember "Two is one, and one is none"
If you have no back up, then when the machine/device/item breaks, you will be out of luck.
Some thoughts from a poor country hick who would like my bank account to be overflowing with money NOT spent on vehicles!