How to buy cars (for filthy rich peoples)

    Hi everybody!  I thought I would give you some useful tips on how to spend as much money as possible on vehicles, especially for you lottery winners out there.

1.  Buy new:  Buy the newest vehicle you can, making sure that you purchase every "upgrade" available.  Wipers that turn on when it rains?  Oh yeah!  Now you can save your self the strenuous task of flicking that switch when the first drops of water hits the window.
NEVER:  Buy a good quality used vehicle more then three years old, but less than 12.  By then, most of the "hit" in value has occurred, and you'll just end up saving money, which you will then be forced to spend on something useless, like food.  You will also pay less for insurance, and then what will happen to the children of your broker?  How will he pay for them to attend Harvard?  They might have to settle for Brown, and it's all your fault.

2.  Insure it against everything:  Giraffe attack?  It could happen!  Solar flares?  That could scorch the paint!  Always get glass coverage, and hail coverage.  Your $65,000 truck needs to be protected against all perils, and the payments will suck that dirty, dirty money from your overflowing bank account.
NEVER:  Insure only against liability.  That's for suckers.  Most places charge a pittance for liability only, and who would want that?  After all, we should be...

3.  Drive like an @$$hole:  Tickets are like showers of secret jealous adoration for your matchless driving ability.  You should feel honored to send your $$$ to the coffers of our benevolent benefactors, but make sure you don't ever change your driving habits, it makes you look weak, and you will be eaten by bears.
NEVER:  Drive defensively.  That $65k truck will basically flatten every vehicle in sight, while you nap in luxury in the driver's seat, texting your other rich friend's butlers.  Besides, more tickets, means higher insurance, and your broker can finally buy that swimming pool!

4.  Borrow to make your purchase:  Even the filthiest of the rich should be borrowing money they don't have.  You can always pay it back tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes!  You can't lose!
NEVER: Pay cash for a well researched used vehicle.  You might accidentally touch something a poor person touched, and then you will have to shave your fingerprints off.  Again.

Lastly..

5.  Do not fix your own vehicle:  Take it to the dealer!  He will always charge you the most, and keep your vehicle forever, which means you can just drive your butler's car.  Wear gloves though, you don't want to catch poverty from the steering wheel.
NEVER: Learn any basic mechanical skills, like oil changes and changing a tire.  Always pay someone to do those things, so you can establish your position amongst the ultra-weathly.  Lester McMonneyBaggs tried to do an oil change, and he got DIRT under his fingernails.  Imagine his face when he went for his weekly manicure!  That could be YOU!

*****So, this is intended to be a humorous how-to for people trying to save money on buying used cars.  My family and I have saved thousands by following the NEVER advice above.  Just today, unfortunately, my beloved farm truck died on the highway, and had to be towed back home.  The head gasket gave out, and coolant (mixed with oil) found it's way to the roadway.  After a short, but cold wait, we got towed back.  Since I need a truck for the farm, I get to buy another one!  I set myself a limit of $2000, and within a few hours I found a good used Chevy for $1700.  It's not a luxury vehicle, but I'm not a luxury kind of guy.  I don't mind a little rust, it is a farm truck after all.  Best of all?  The insurance is $380.  Per year.  The truck that just died lasted me about 6.5 years, and I paid about $4500 for it.
      I also plan to keep that old truck, and put a new head gasket on it.  It really needs more work than that, but I only want to get it back to running condition, then I will use it around the farm.  If the new truck goes kaput, then I will have a back up!
Remember "Two is one, and one is none"
If you have no back up, then when the machine/device/item breaks, you will be out of luck.
Some thoughts from a poor country hick who would like my bank account to be overflowing with money NOT spent on vehicles!

Life Lessons from my new job

When you think philosophy, great wisdom, and deep understanding of life, what do you see yourself doing?  I'm sure most of you would picture yourself sitting at the feet of a wizened old monk, soaking in the 1,000 year old nuggets of spiritual wisdom falling from his sun-baked lips?  Or maybe you see yourself taking a 3 day trek into the Amazon jungle to converse with the native, ponder life, and maybe lick a few of those toads, (you know, for science).
Well, I bet the last place you would imagine finding the meaning of life is while pouring a concrete garage pad, or cutting plywood pieces to make a mold for someone's retaining wall.  Grasshopper, let me enlighten you.
PRELUDE
Over this last year, we have been struggling to pay bills, and of course, the banks were no help.  Even though we don't have much debt, it's all very short term, and needs to be rolled into a proper mortgage.  Unfortunately, we don't have a "standard" home, and it's tough to get a mortgage on a mobile home.  It didn't help that my credit rating has taken a hit, because of some "interesting times" (as the Chinese proverb would call it) earlier this year.  The only option I have to improve my credit rating is to pay all of my bills fully, on time, and wait for it to go up.  Since we have absolutely no savings, I decided that I needed to work a part-time job.  We needed to have a couple thousand dollars just stashed away.  I had a minimum wage job for a couple of months, before I decided that my time was worth more than $11/hr.  It occurred to me that with the Great Alberta Flood only a few months behind us, there would be a need for laborers to clean up the many thousands of destroyed homes and businesses, and I was correct!  Not only that, but the construction trades have been exploding with work, and are desperate for workers.  So, I answered an ad on Kijiji, and literally, the next day, I was at work!
As a farmer, I have some limited experience with construction materials, especially wood.  I've use concrete and plaster for some projects, so I figured I would do ok.  The company I've worked for for 3 days does "form work, and flat work", which is construction-speak for walls, and floors.

LESSON 1 - SHOW UP
When I responded to the ad, the foreman emailed me an address and a time.  That's it.  So, at 8 am, I arrived at the address, and found a guy in a Bobcat, and immediately he directed me to work raking gravel.  We worked for about 12 hours that day, and during the course of the day, I learned that the foreman had asked his co-worker "Did Adam show up?  Was he on time?  Does he have a car?"  When he learned the answers, he was AMAZED, and I was amazed that he was amazed.  Why would it be amazing that I showed up?
Anyone who has/does work in the trades already knows the answer, but for the rest of you, allow me to give you enlightenment.  Unlike in the office world, construction workers and laborers are notoriously unreliable.  Men routinely fail to report for work, and don't bother calling, or giving a reason.  Just yesterday, my co-worker told me "We got a new guy starting today", and sure enough, he did NOT show up.  We found out later, that he was in some sort of legal trouble, and I found the entire situation to be quite amusing.  I just couldn't believe that someone would just...not be there when there was $23/hr waiting for them.

LESSON 2 - BE READY
My experience with concrete before this week consisted of filling some post-holes, and plastering a ferro-cement water tank.  When I was 18, I helped build a sidewalk.  So, in other words, pretty much nothing.  Despite that, when I arrived at the site, I had every hand tool I owned, steel-toed boots, hard hat, and a huge lunch.  After 1/2 hr, I was loaning tools to the two experienced guys, who had left some important items at another site.  It was immensely satisfying to say "Oh, I've got one of those, let me get it for you!".
Here's the bald truth: I had run out and purchased a bunch of these tools the day before, just in case.  I had never worn a hard hat, nor used a chalk-line.  My boots were brand new, and my tool-belt fresh off the shelf.  Despite that, when I stepped out, I looked ready, and I felt ready.  No one had to tell me to wear proper gear, or bring proper tools.

LESSON 3 - DO SOMETHING, EVEN IF IT'S WRONG
Yes, grasshopper, this is the trickiest step.  There is a saying in Swahili, "It is easier to ask forgiveness than permission".  When I showed up, I was so green, you could have used me as the background of a new Star Wars movie.  I was aware of some basic facts, like, concrete is hard, nails go pointy-end down, don't hammer your thumb, etc, but there are all kinds of things I was completely ignorant of, and more than once I felt like a complete numbskull.  None the less, I watched intently every single time the experienced guys did anything at all.  When there was any kind of task that looked like it needed to be done, I jumped in.  A couple times the foreman had to say "No, it's ok, I'll do that", which is a polite way of saying "You're going to screw it up, dummy." I still jumped in, each time.  Eventually, they trusted me with some tasks that were more advanced, like hand-floating the concrete, vibrating, and cutting plywood forms.
The second day, the boss left me on my own, with instructions to strip some wood off the concrete on a house basement.  It was very physical work, and I was already tired from the day before.  I accidentally chipped a small piece off of a driveway in my efforts to dislodge a stubborn piece of rebar.  Rather than hide it, I just said, "Yeah, that was me."  The site foreman made an angry face, shook his head, but...that was it.  I offered to repair it (right, with my sooper skillz), and apologized, but there wasn't really anything else to be done.  I owned my mistake, and offered to make it right.  Take that!

SUMMARY
Lesson 1 - I cannot emphasize how important this is.  When a promise exits your lips, such as "I will be there at 8 am", your physical body had better be there at 8 am, or better yet, 7:50!  Your reputation in this world is more valuable than your skills.  Anyone who has ever called a plumber will agree, a man who keeps his word is pretty rare.  If you can't make it, CALL!  Give an alternate time, and then be early for the next week.  You could be the most skilled concrete-man in the world, able to hand float a statue of Michelangelo, or power-trowel a floor using only one hand, but if you are unreliable, then you are useless.  Simple as that.
SHOW UP

Lesson 2 - Did you know that Youtube has 18 videos showing you how to replace the brake pads on a late model Toyota Corolla? There are probably 600 videos on basic construction techniques, like "How to hammer a piece of wood to another piece of wood, using a large metal object with a flat spot, commonly called a 'hammer'."  If I hadn't been at least partially aware of basic construction techniques and terminology, I probably would have been completely useless, instead of just partially useless.  I further "cemented" (see what I did there?) my usefulness by having all kinds of inexpensive, yet very handy tools, like a hammer, belt, and putting them into action when they were needed.
BE READY

Lesson 3 - On day 1, the foreman of our small, ragtag team had a little job on the side.  Nothing big, just pouring 2,000 square feet of concrete.  Did I mention that we had already worked a full day?  Right.  Every single task that I was asked to do was completely new to me.  The foreman kept a steady stream of commands going, "Lift the rebar, tap the edges, spray the concrete, hammer this peg down, get me a sandwich!" And I was literally tripping over my boots to keep up, at least at first.  After the second hour, I was doing all of the above, without being asked.  When I saw a task, I tried to do it.  The two guys I worked with seemed very impressed, not with my sooper skillz, but with the fact that I DID something, even if it was fairly useless.  We all knew that they could have done 95% of the work without me, but that 5% made a difference.  Concrete is an unforgiving master, caring not for your schedule.  When it hardens, it cannot be "unhardened".  I allowed these guys to concentrate on the skilled tasks, while I handled the dummy work.  We got the job done, and I earned a crisp plastic $100 bill.  Yeah, we have plastic money here in Canada.  It has a little window in it too, you can see through it.
DO SOMETHING

Is this a complete list?  No.  You also need to have an aptitude for learning, a humble attitude, the ability to both lead and follow, and it doesn't hurt to be in good physical shape.  This is just a few lessons from my first week working a demanding job

How Capitalism can Save the Free World

I am a Capitalist.  I provide goods that people want and need, and I make it possible for 6 billion people to exist on this planet.

The whole point of capitalism is "Capital", the real durable good that make production possible.  A farmer's tractor, the land he plants, the trees he harvests from, and the animals whose meat he sells.  Capital does not fall from the sky, nor does it grow on trees.  In order to buy the land, the farmer needed to save a down payment.  To buy the tractor, he needed to save more money.  The trees cost money, and take time to grow.  The farmer plants trees with the hope to someday profit from them, in some cases knowing that his children will be the real beneficiaries of that profit.
All of this "Capital" would not exist if the farmer did not save.  He willingly consumes less money now, with the hope that by accumulating these items, he will profit from them more in the future.  It's true that the farmer is thinking of himself, but in doing so, he is benefiting all of mankind.  If the farmer had no land, he could not plant.  If he had land, but no machines, he would have to work with primitive tools, and he could not produce nearly as much food, nor could he transport that food to the people who want to eat it.  Trees produce even more food, and feed the soil through their leaves.  The farmer has to nuture and feed that tree for many years before he can gain the harvest, while there is always a risk of the tree dying before it becomes productive.

Many people believe that capitalism oppresses people.  Walmart underpays it's employees, destroys other business, and is bad for us.  They moan about the loss of "mom and pop" stores, which are more of a fantasy that reality.  Even large stores usually have a single owner, who may be a "mom and pop" team, or a business team of 2 or more unrelated partners.  Smaller stores can, and are very prosperous, judging by the fact that we apparently still have millions of them.  Most of the people who have jobs work for an employer with less than 100 employees, which is the definition of a "small business".  Only about 20% of the workforce are employed by the "big guys".

Many millions of people are like me, the farmer, working for themselves.  Are they contributing less to the world than the Walmarts?  More?  Or, do all of these people benefit the human race through their work?
My contribution may be smaller than Walmart, but it is real, and measurable.  I use the capital that I own to provide something that people want, and they are my bosses.  If no one buys my products, I have failed, and I need to do something differently, or find a different group of bosses.  I don't get to charge whatever I want, and neither does Walmart.  The people who buy the products determine the price, and they also determine what is on the shelf, through their "votes".

If you don't like Walmart, that's a personal choice.  Don't "vote" by shopping there, and your conscience will be clean.  But maybe I like Walmart, and I want to vote for it.  Who will win this battle?  How about both of us?  You win by shopping where you want, and I win by shopping where I want.  We both get what we want, and no one loses.  Too bad politics doesn't work that way!

I hear a lot of noise about "reforming capitalism" or "paying our fair share", and I tune it out.  Just let me concentrate on producing as much of what people want to buy as I can.  Let me keep the profits of my labors, and I will be inspired to produce more.  If I produce enough, I could even start hiring people!  This is how the system works when nobody interferes.

If you care about humanity, stop trying to "help" the poor by taking from the rich.  The rich may have the money, but believe me, they would rather invest it in something useful than shove it in a drawer.  That useful investment could give one of those "poor" people a good job, or provide a better tractor for a farmer, or enable a company to create a better TV, cellphone, gadget, all of which makes the lives of the "non-rich" a little bit better.